By Tarun Pall
It is now less than a day before Delhi goes to vote again. And what a different country we have become since we voted last {in Delhi}.
We overthrew the incumbent decadents, and installed a revolutionary new party. Its leader did something, for 49 days {give ourselves a pat on the back – we can make our democracy work from time to time}. But then, he decided to try his hand at the bigger game.
What a shame! How fickle men can be! He abandoned his first lover, the one who saw the good in him, for the sexier, richer model with the bigger house and car. And now has nothing. And here he is, trying to woo his first lover again. I wish him luck, and unashamedly confess that I won’t be voting for him this time. One bitten, twice Hindutva-fied.
Speaking of getting Hindutva-fied, we have the ex-police officer, the ‘I towed the PM’s Car but I didn’t’ and the ‘she ran away from the interview but didn’t’ kind of leader. As always, it’s a tough choice for us Delhi-ites. Who should we choose? Why can’t things be simpler, like they were on a national level? You had ‘You-never-go-against-the-family’ on one side, and of course ‘I might be a mass murderer, or a mass developer, but take a chance on me’.
Not only did we manage to change governments and get people who wear their hearts and names on their suit sleeves, but we coined a whole new vocabulary as well.
Before it used to be enough to call someone a @!@#$#&^^ or a !&#^#&&#@ {<-censored by a dancing Leela Samson, and the people suing AIB}.
But with great new politics comes great new cusswords. To truly insult someone you have a whole bunch of labels at your disposal:
- A Khangressi Chamcha / Sickular / Pseudo Secular / pSecular / Dynasty Bootlicker
- Sanghi / Bhakt / GoodDay Biscuit {Acche Din, you see} / Hindutva Fanatic / Mitler’s Storm Trooper
- TimesNow Newshost
- A Bombay Resident {C’mon, we had to throw a little hostility your way J }
- A DownThroner {someone who prefers Downton Abbey over Game of Thrones}
But my all-time favourite has got to be:
- AAPtard
Congress lost, so there was no point hurling curses at the loser. But if any of you have been following the media {and yes, since I now belong to the Sanghi / Bhakt category, I do believe it is completely paid media}, you will see that the AAPtards have had a revival.
I confess, that last year, I was an AAPtard. But that’s because I am a status-quo-upsetting kind of guy. Anything that sets the cat among pigeons, the Lumia amongst iPhones, or Arnab amongst politicians is a worthwhile exercise, according to me, because we need to shake things up. We are all too settled in our ways. Bribing the policemen. “Bhaiyya-please”-ing the parking guy till he makes more room for your car. And letting Honey Singh drop his musical bombs all over the place {Can someone tell me where I can get a nashey-ka-biskoot? A… friend wants to try it}.
But then, we gave The Muffler Man his first shot, and he failed it. Then along came a Modi, and the game changed. The Bhakts awoke from their slumber like the alien machines in War of the Worlds and started spraying the country with saffron. And like the Empire in Star Wars, they hunted down the last of the pSecular Jedi Knights and verbally smashed them all on Facebook with their light-sabred tongues. Oh how I look back on those days with nostalgia. The election campaigns were surprisingly clean, and the BJP was surprisingly professional. It was a tightly-run campaign, on point and with a great message. We are all Indian. And we all want a Better India. In the history of political campaigns, that’s the one to be studied and dissected as a case study in success.
And now Delhi… From what was a quiet, boring campaign in an election-fatigued city-state, we are now in that beautiful phase known as Pigs Wrestling In The Mud. Watch out, I think all of our clothes have got dirty. Daag acche hain?
There are so many allegations flying back forth, one no longer knows which corruption accusation belongs to which candidate and by how many crores {can someone draw a graph please?}. Is Kiran Bedi really that bad at doing interviews? Does Arvind Kejriwal really look like that without ink on his face? Am I the only one who confuses Kiran Bedi with Vinay Pathak? Did Arvind Kejriwal just blame the loss of the last election on his moustache {sab milein hue hain ji}?
It sometimes feels like the aftermath of a ‘This fish is not fresh’ accusation hurled at Unhygenix in an Asterix comic.
So dear Voter, in conclusion, the best you can do in this election is vote with your heart, not your head. But lord let there please be a clear majority so we don’t have to do this again for another 5 years!!!
P.S. You know this election has turned really vicious when a higher-impact cussword gets coined: ‘AAPhole’. That, for me is the word of 2015. {The word{s} for 2014 were: Are You Serious? Are You Serious? Are You Serious? – but that is another story, for another time}.
Image courtesy bbc.com