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Food Group Fail | Have you come Across Them?

Editors posted on 16 May

By Anonymous Contributor

Move over Desperate Housewives and Big Boss! Introducing the cast of the latest drama in town! Here’s a candid take on the most interesting characters/ personalities from your favourite food groups/circles.

Before you begin: EP = Example of such a Post {or conversation}

Loud Speaker | I know it’s a public forum and there are topics about food being discussed, but I will make sure that I have a chit chat session with my friend on the group itself! {Because phones don’t exist.}

EP: Where can I find hummus in town??LS: Heyyyyy. How have you been? I saw you at Babloo’s wedding. You were looking gorgeous! You’ve lost so much weight! Please convey my regards to auntyji. Check INA.

Quicky Wiki | I don’t know how to frame proper sentences or know enough about food, so I’m going to act like I know both by just pasting things from Wikipedia {links included at times}.

Restaurant Pimp | I hereby declare that I will only recommend my establishment at all times to every question. Every question.

EP: My husband and I visited Ebola, the new African restaurant, yesterday and I think he has food poisoning. Do you know the best gastroenterologist in town?  

RP – Have you ever visited my restaurant? Nobody ever falls sick here! Call me on 80085-80085

Drama Queen | So I was at H.two.O, the new molecular mixology bar at Fugu today, and the waiter said that he wouldn’t take a picture of my friends and me ‘cause he didn’t want to drop my new iphone9 for fear of losing his salary for 6 months. Can you believe that! The manager apologised but I’m never going to that place ever again!

No-Conflict-Zone | I hate to see people abusing each other and have to butt in and tell people to calm down. I am a moral crusader who thinks everyone needs to follow my religion and my values. Oh why is she yelling at me now? Calm down! Hey why am I the target now? Calm down bro!

The Overly Defensive Restaurateur | I have no self-esteem and will apologise to the greatest possible extent.

EP: I had been to Fugu, the new sushi place, and the food was mind-blowing but they have no toothpicks. I’m disappointed.

TODR: We sincerely apologise for not having any toothpicks during your visit. We have asked our manager to perform seppuku. His name was Lin. Please find attached the coroner’s report. Hope you are happy now. We also would like you to visit us again for a free meal with newly imported samurai toothpicks. We are sorry again. Please don’t hate us on Tomatoz.

Show Off | “Hey where can I find white truffles? I heard that someone was making truffle toothpaste. Also, any liquor-store that sells the Yamazaki 50 year old whiskey? Is there such a thing as Yamazaki mouthwash?

Dictator | I am a self-centered moderator/ creator of the community who makes everything about moi.

?EP: Which came first? The egg or the chicken??

TD: Me.

Editor | I will correct your grammar, and spellings, and give advice on how to tie your shoe-laces, boil an egg, teach you how to make the perfect ice cube, and how to possibly fix your failing marriage too.

Opposition Party | My sole focus in life is to denounce everything you say or argue for the sake of doing so. I am always right. {No you’re not.} Yes I am.

Mr. Bacon | I’m not related to Francis or Kevin Bacon, but I wish my surname were Bacon too.

EP: Does anyone know where Dosa Bhavan is in Delhi?

MB:  Yuck. Why would you want to go there? They don’t have bacon. INA has awesome bacon.

Stalker | All he or she says is one word: Following. {Creep alert!}

Google Who | I’ve never heard of google and therefore I will take it upon myself to waste everyone’s time by asking for a restaurant’s phone number or address and other trivial information.

Instacrap | Oh look at this amazing tiramisu I ate {but even your 29 mega pixel camera phone with 3 filters added and red eye reduction couldn’t stop it from looking like Scooby’s doodoo}.

Loner | I don’t have any friends except this slice of cheese and so my next post must say “Hey, who wants to do a breakfast meet-up on Sunday?”

Fast Food Complainer | I just had a meal at Burp-Burger and the bun had only 42 sesame seeds on top. The image on their billboard had 45. They are such cheats! I’m going to stop visiting this place in 2048 AD.

Name Dropper | The best restaurant in town is Fugu. I’ve known Chef/Owner Tin since his days as a lawn mower in the early 70s. His style or quality may not be superior to Chef Zao at Ich, but the former wins points for he always customises every dish for me and even wipes the soy off my chin. Pity his brother Lin, the molecular mixologist, performed seppuku and is no more now. He always poured 45 ml instead of a regular 30 for me. To everyone who thinks otherwise about this place – Fug U.

Hot Profile Pic Commenter | I have no clue what I’m doing here, but I’m just saying some gibberish hoping that the person with the hot picture who asked the question will know that I exist, even though I have a steady girlfriend. Oh crap, should I have changed my weirdo profile picture to the photo-shopped one before commenting.

The Virgin Cook | I’ve never entered the kitchen in my life, but I want to make a 7-course meal for my better half using sharp tools and a box that becomes hot when I turn something. I’m so in love! Oh here is picture of the heart shaped roti I made. {That actually looks like Kim Kardashian’s heart}.

The Anti-Cool | I am the Kurt Cobain, the Amy Winehouse, the Jimi Hendrix of this food group. If someone asks about gourmet food, I’m going to insist on recommending dal-chawal. If someone asks about induction ranges, I’m going to recommend not cooking at all and just eating raw food.

The Faker | Hey guys, I will act like I am the shizzle of every drizzle on the plate the chef puts in front of me, but I have no clue what the hell I’m eating, and yet I will force myself to eat it to write about everything but the actual food.

TF: Last night I went to Fugu, the new sushi place and oh my god the food is amazing. They have the best wasabi mayo in the worrrrrld! It goes soooo well with everything. The plates are soooo cute! The bathrooms smell amazing. Strange thing, they don’t have the samurai toothpicks they had promised yet. I’m amazed at customer service these days! But I will return for the food. And that mayo.

Judge Bread | Oh you like eating frozen cutlets? You went to INA? I will constantly judge you, your food habits, your restaurant choices and even your profile picture, come what may. But I will also take a picture of a half eaten samosa to show that I can make that rare plebian choice.

Dis-count On Me | You can always count on me to be with you and support you and like your posts and share things and be your hashtag buddy and buy your groceries, as long as I’m getting a free meal or discount. Ok, I’ll do it even for a sachet of ketchup. Do I get one for liking this article?

The Liker | I just hit the like button without even reading the post. Maybe it’s because I can only use the mouse, since my other hand constantly has a donut or pakoda or kulcha in it. Or because I’m too lazy to type. Or because I have no opinion.

The Plug | Hey I’m just here to find blatant ways to make you read my blog, or like my page, or buy into my brand.

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Please do not call the Restaurant Pimp’s number mentioned in the article above, it’s just there because it says boobs twice.