The Mumbai Man's Guide To Delhi

I visited Delhi recently and being a Mumbai boy I just have to say one thing: I love Delhi. 

I love everything from it’s architecture, to its vibe, to its people….Delhi is decent!

However, a lot of people who are from Mumbai generally misjudge Delhi and look down upon it like it’s some sort of horrific offspring of Gurgaon and Noida. {Trust me, you don’t want to imagine that}. So to help everybody out I decided to write a friendly guide to Delhi, from the perspective of a Mumbai boy {please don’t beat me up. I don’t have health insurance}.

The first thing you will notice in Delhi is the space. The roads are so wide it looked like Anant Ambani made it for his daily walk routine. {I kid. It takes great guts to be the moon’s stunt double}. 

But Delhi roads. Wow. They are four times the size of any road in Mumbai, and five times as unsafe. The roads in Delhi at night are so wide and lonely they resemble an ex-pornstars crotch. {First Noida then this…I know}. But Delhi has parks—also known as empty, slum free spaces—that are filled with these magnificent creatures called trees that somehow don’t move, and yet make you feel fresh and active. 

Delhi has monuments that you can visit, old-time architecture that you can admire and historical stories to take you back in time. The blend of old versus new is just so magical that you wish you could live there until it’s winter {because in Delhi, winter is a bitch and if you’re a Mumbai boy, then be ready for some BDSM}.

Also if you ever go to anyone’s house in Delhi, be prepared to struggle with all that space. Every house in Delhi is like a TARDIS, it’s much bigger in the inside. A common bedroom in Delhi can support 30 Mumbai living rooms, 45 Mumbai building compounds and the entire Mumbai airport. I’m not even kidding but Antilla seems like a 1BHK compared to some of the houses that I have visited. 

Make sure your Hindi is on point. Go to Hindi diction classes and learn how to speak eloquently, as well as super fast. People in Delhi have a tendency of speaking so fast that by the time you say ‘Bhaiya’ they will end up finishing off an entire Shakespearean monologue {Again in true Delhi style: ‘Et tu Brute sala madarchod’}. This also brings me to my next point that you must make sure you know how to abuse and pepper every second word with an abuse. 

Conversation in Bombay:

Bhaiya khana milega?

Conversation in Delhi:

Bhaiya madarchod khana behenchod milega makichuth?

The first time I came to Delhi and called someone a bhenchod the only response I got was, “Aww. So cute” and he moved on. That’s when I realised that Delhi is a place where the tough get tougher, and if you’re weak then you might as well wander around Hauz Khas and practice your toughness on unsuspecting foreigners.

Pro Tip: Part of Delhi lingo involves you saying two things: A. ‘Sahi hai’ after every conversation to prove that you have got the point and B. Adding ‘io’ to the end of words like pani laio, khana piladio, super mario etc.

When in Delhi eat like a Delhiite and what is eaten in Delhi, stays in Delhi. 

When it comes to having a phenomenal gastronomical experience, Delhi street food is the most orgasmic food you will ever lay your hands on.  Don’t even bother going to a mall or eating in any fancy pub. Make sure you sample all the delicacies from parathas, to chole to OMG MOMO THEY HAVE MOMO AND SUCH AMAZING SAUCES AND IT’S ALL SO CHEAP. WHY IS BOMBAY SO EXPENSIVE. I WISH I LIVED HERE FOREVER!

O.Ma.Gad.

Okay, I’ll admit it. Delhi women are amazingly gorgeous. Like I could sit in the mall and stare at a Delhi woman for days {the only difference being that I’m a Mumbai guy and we stop at staring}. Delhi women have everything from good looks to great bodies to amazing b?r?a?i?n?s?. Did I mention good looks? 

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying all Delhi women are dumb but they are. {If you understand this contradiction then you’re not a dumb girl. Congrats}.

Also I do realise that there are going to be two reactions to the above statement:

1. Women will be like ‘NO WE ARE NOT DUMB. UR DUMB. FAGUT”

2. There will be a blog post written about me

But I’m speaking from experience, which I’ve probably not had enough of {Ladies?}

This is generally how most of my conversations with Delhi women go:

Me: Hey

Delhi Chick: Hi

Delhi Chicks Mind: OMG HE IS A CREEP. HE IS GOING TO DO SOMETHING.

Me: *stares*

Delhi Chick: *stares back*

Delhi Chicks Mind: *Just get into a taxi now*

I am joking, this is a completely exaggerated story. The majority of the girls I know refuse to take public transport. 

But I do love Delhi and I love their women, while on the other hand…

“NO. JUST NO” – Evolution.

The average Delhi man is a mix of hormones, sleaze, and every single word that you can find in the dictionary to describe that behaviour. I mean, there are quite a few intelligent men in Delhi, but enough about the South Indians. 

So here we go. A quick guide to surviving Delhi! If you’re a Delhi person reading this then 99% of what I said is rubbish, and if you’re a Mumbai guy reading this then at least 70% of this is true, and if you’re the average Delhi girl reading this then I’m surprised you made it till the end!

Jokes apart, I do love Delhi and plan to come again and again! The next time I’m in Delhi do take me out and show me around and prove to me that my guide is wrong! Maybe I’ll come out with a newer version!

Till then bye madarchod enjoy kario!