By Tarun Pall

Election season is upon us people! We have to choose between alleged mass murderers, anarchists, undeserving princes, and a whole bunch of Kazhagams {google it}. Whatever your leanings, there are some things you should definitely do before you go out this month and press the button for your favourite symbol. We at LBBD, have curated and compiled an informative list to help you make your way through the election fog.

But before we get to those links:

Register to vote! If you haven’t done so yet, and have instead decided to go off to Phuket for a vacation, then hard cheese my friend – you get to be everybody’s punching bag when you complain about how bad the state of affairs is in India – because you were too lazy to get your backside up and vote. And when {not if} you go to hell, there will be a separate compartment, built especially for you, where you will be forced to listen to Rakhi Sawant’s political speeches on repeat, played to the tune of ‘Baby Doll main sone di’. On repeat I say!

Additionally, here is our unofficial guide to getting ‘politically with-it’ and whipping up that election fervour:

  • Find 800 different ways to create a sentence that can be added to ‘Abki Baar, Modi Sarkar’

{My favourite so far is: Dekha hai pehli baar, Saajan ki aankhon mein pyaar. Abki Baar, Modi Sarkar!}

  • Buy a muffler, a pair of glasses, a blue WagonR and a pointy hat and go on strike somewhere. Anywhere!
  • Answer every question anybody asks you with the following response: “RTI! Women’s Empowerment! You have to change the System!” – Try and look cute, with dimpled cheeks and all, while doing this though. It also helps if you have a good-looking, dominating mother.
  • When your sibling asks if you ate the last cookie, deny being aware of the presence of cookies in your state; say that you will institute a Supreme Court-led inquiry and accuse him/her of:
    • belonging to the ‘Paid Media’
    • Being a ‘pseudo-sickular’ / AAPtard / SaffronFundi

{If your sibling responds with ‘THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW,’ you have lost the argument, and you are in big, big, BIG trouble}.

  • Get onto Facebook / Twitter, and say the most provocative thing you can think of – you know, something like:

The last 10 years of government rule have destroyed my chances of ever owning a poodle. Vote for the XYZ party so that we can have poodles for everybody! Oodles of Poodles!

Make sure to use CAPS and EXCLAMATION MARKS! Then wait for the comments to start rolling in with responses such as:

‘Poodle supporters are divisive and bloodthirsty. It is because of people like you that there was a massive campaign against German Shepherds. You sir, are a FASCIST BIGOT!’

Be sure to respond with:

How conveniently you forget the Pomeranian neutering of 19XX! Hypocrite!’

<insert link to cute doggie video here to prove your point>

This should keep you engaged for a bit. Note: The debate ends when somebody puts up a picture of their cat, because we all know that cat-lovers are deviants who should not be encouraged, especially on the Internet!

Alright, alright, here is a more informative list of places to go and brush up on your parties, constituencies, e.t.c. But don’t forget about canine welfare.

  • Check out this great Google website on the up and coming Indian elections, take the pledge, and follow through when the time comes!
  • Try and make sense of this whole democracy thing that we have going here in India.
  • Find out which constituency you belong to here.
  • Learn more about your existing MPs here & here.
  • Find out when your area is going to the polls here.
  • Understand why it’s important to vote here {shameless plug}.
  • Make sure to read up on every party’s manifesto – especially the ones that mention poodles!

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