Family Dynamics & Dating Preferences: In Conversation With 9 Elder Daughters

I'm not sure how many of you have been to therapy, but if you have, you might be familiar with the way therapists ask questions to peel back the layers of your world. I know, I know, we all have different issues, different therapists, and entirely different lives, but it usually begins the same way, with that one classic question: "What was your childhood like?"

While childhood affecting adulthood is a whole different conversation, in this article, I want to highlight how the family dynamics of an elder daughter shape her mind when it comes to dating men, or women, for that matter. Of course, the pen words that flood one's mind when talking about this are "overwhelming responsibility," "high expectations," "being a mom without being one," and the "emotional burden" that comes with it. When I spoke to women from different ages, their perspectives, more or less, all pointed in the same direction. A tendency to take on responsibility, embrace independence, and inevitably clash with these very traits in their romantic relationships.

But who am I to tell this story? I’m the younger sister, by five whole years. The youngest daughter of the youngest son. I've watched my sister take care of me when our mom was busy and sacrifice her share of snacks so I could have more. She was the one who took me to India Gate for the first time, the one who saved every nickel just so I could get the trendiest tops. But I also saw her grow up into a rebel, standing up for herself, fighting for her independence, and eventually living on her own without asking for a single penny. And while I failed to muster the courage to get her inputs for this piece, I’ve seen enough to understand what it must have been like to be her. Of course, I was pampered, perhaps a little more than her, but that never stopped me from being responsible and independent too because, in the end, my biggest inspiration was right at home.

And before I weep,  let’s dive into what many elder daughters have to say about how their role shaped their approach to love and relationships!

As the elder daughter of my family, I have always been caring and nurturing, while also taking up the responsibility of my younger brother and many situations where even my relatives would say that I handled things maturely. I think it comes naturally, not necessarily as a burden, more like an inbuilt nature. I had never noticed this before but all the guys that have dated were also the elder siblings in their family. I guess this does say that I'm attracted to guys that also share similar qualities. Responsibility for action, caring and a supportive nature are what I would attribute to them. This being said maybe I could point out that for me, family comes first, no matter what. The needs of my family would surpass everything even if mine were to take a backseat. So yes, this has shaped a lot of my relationships.

- Ayesha, 26

Being an elder daughter often means taking on a caretaker role early in life emotionally. That responsibility can shape how you approach relationships, making you naturally inclined toward stability, reliability, and even partners who appreciate or depend on your nurturing side. I have always seen my father taking care of my mother, respecting her, always talking respectfully to her, appreciating her, buying her gifts, taking her out shopping, supporting her & having her back. They made sure they had their evening tea together & even if one of them wasn’t available, the other one never had tea. So that’s my idea of romance, one built on mutual respect, small rituals, and consistent effort. It makes sense that growing up with that as your model of romance would shape what you look for in a partner.

- Anagha, 29

I have a joint family of 18 members and being the eldest to one sibling and six cousins living under the same roof, I have always been choti mummy to them. Taking care of them, guiding them for each thing, helping them, pampering them, empowering them, that's all I do for them and that's what I do in a relationship too. I become their “mummy,” I pamper them and take care of them. In return, I expect just the same love and attention. On the other side, how elderly people in my home treated me, whatever I demanded they fulfilled it. They made me bold and courageous too. I look for these things in my partner and when I don't find them, I get irritated. I prefer partners who are ambitious, know what they have to do and how, are family-oriented, respect their parents and siblings, have spiritual traits and know how to treat and respect a woman. 

- Diksha, 23

Being an elder daughter has definitely influenced my approach to relationships. Growing up with strict parents and a younger brother to set an example for, I was always expected to be responsible and composed. This made me independent and naturally inclined to take charge, whether at home or in life. I prefer a partner who is sincere, responsible, and emotionally mature—someone I don’t have to fix or guide. Since I’ve always been the one handling things, I want a relationship where I don’t always have to lead, but at the same time, my opinions and choices are respected. When I do let someone in, I want it to be with a person who truly understands me.

- Gitanjali, 25

When we say that everyone has a type, it actually means that everyone has a pattern, and it has a lot to do with childhood. A lot of love, support and things that you get, and don’t get in your childhood reflect significantly in your romantic relationships. Being an elder daughter comes with a lot of responsibility and the inherent sense of being in a leadership role or having everything together. This, of course, means that you seek out partners who you want to either lead or partners who also have it together like you do. However, when the latter happens, you might clash, but with the former, you feel like you're "mothering" which anyway is an issue that women face. I noticed that you also seek out based on where you are emotionally in life. Sometimes you want to be the soft one and other times you want to be the stronger one.

- Diana, 27

Being an elder daughter definitely shapes the way we choose a partner. The biggest thing is finding someone who truly listens and understands—because growing up, elder daughters often feel like they have to handle everything alone, with no one really listening. Hyper-independence is another factor; we want a responsible partner, but at the same time, we struggle with fully leaning on someone emotionally. More than anything, there’s a deep need for emotional connection, something that was often missing while growing up.

- Megha, 26

Something interesting that I’ve discovered is that my partner is the youngest of three brothers, not just him but most of my friends are the younger siblings. I asked my partner if he’s noticed a pattern in this behaviour and he claims that I’m trying to look for my younger sibling in my partner and then he went on to explain how my sister and he are similar in a lot of ways. I’m not sure if I agree completely though. What I think is, as the elder one, there’s a lot of responsibility and expectations that need to be fulfilled. Elder siblings are normally the ones who constantly feel like they have to be in control of things, to always be in character. At least I do. I feel with my partner, I want that space to let loose, to be a kid who is free from the pressure of being the one responsible, and I also appreciate when my partner (despite being the younger sibling himself) takes on the role of an elder sibling when it comes to my younger sister.

- Vinati, 31

It’s impossible for it to not affect how you approach anything in life, not only romantic relationships, given that your life experiences shape you as a person and influence your decisions, likes and dislikes. Acts of service matter to me the most, in every type of relationship. I’m sure all elder daughters can relate to that.

- Muskan, 26

I feel as an elder daughter, hyper-independency is something that you internalise, so I don't know if I specifically look for it, but I would look for someone dependable. Also, someone who can constantly reassure you that you are doing great and you're not falling short and life is going to be okay and you are doing enough because you always feel like you're not doing enough and you need to take all of this responsibility. So, someone who can just like calm you down and say it's okay you've done enough, who can make you chill when you're always so hyper-stressed and all over the place.

- Nitika, 24