2016 is going to be an auspicious year, where everyone will have their wishes fulfilled and evil is going to take a vacation— because it needs a break sometimes.

The one thing that I never quite understand are daily horoscopes. I always read my horoscope the next day and realise, “Oh this happened yesterday!” and horoscopes sometimes can become super specific: Like the time it told me money would be coming my way and my watchman gave me 10 rupees, to the time where it can be super vague, like the time it told me anything could happen, and then my watchman took my ten rupees back.

So this year I have a special treat for you lovely readers; I have decided to put together all my astral energies and write the perfect horoscope for every star sign {PS: iamsrk is not a star sign}.

CAPRICORN

capricorn

This will be a great year for you. You will wake up every morning and realise that you have the ability to brush your teeth. Every month you will meet a new person who will compliment you on your looks {your mother does not count}.

Your love life is going to be terrible because your ex will date your best friend {even if she was imaginary} and life will crumble, but don’t worry you are a Capricorn and being a corn you know how to make everything a maize.

Lucky Colours: Squidward Blue and Patrick Pink

AQUARIUS

aquarius

Karma rewards you by coming in a full cycle, then it falls down because Karma cannot cycle. You need to make sure you catch Karma and teach it how to cycle because this will make sure good deeds come your way, and bad deeds end up shifting to Gurgaon. 

Lucky Colours: Karma Chameleon Whatever

So that’s your horoscope for 2016. If any of it comes true you could message me {I do personalised tarot readings. If you’re Gujarati then it’s Na Tarot Na Marot readings} and if any of this seems like complete bullshit, then congratulations! I have opened your eyes and now, instead of believing in such nonsense just go out there and live your life.

PISCES

aquarius

You are a fish. This is going to be an amazing year because you will forget everything as soon as it happens. Don’t worry we are all just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, unless it’s a Chinese restaurant then you become someone’s sushi. That’s good.

When you are wrapped around with chawal it is a rice feeling. {I do comedy sometimes}. However if all goes well by the time it’s 2017 you will evolve into a Magikarp, and if you are made out of fur then you can become a Magikarpet. {My comedy career is not going too well}.

Lucky Colours: Wasabi Green and Soya Brown/Black/Soya Soya Chand Grey

ARIES

aries

Your star sign is the Ram so you will spend the rest of the year being a Hindu. Diwali is going to be a great time for you! If you are of any other religion then you will wake up on the 1st of Jan as a Hindu. 

Remember, whatever happens do not cross the line, and also 10 heads are way better than one {except when you go clubbing and they charge per head}.

Lucky Colours: Fire Orange and Deer Gold

TAURUS

taurus

This year will be the most energetic year for you. Your star sign is a Bull and in a red light you will become a Red Bull and jump around with vigour. Don’t poop a lot because you know it’s bullshit. Make sure you’re not Pakistani because then it would be Kabull. I know these bull jokes are getting to you, but you need to face the truth and stop being a cow-ard.

Lucky Colours: Bull-a Ki Jaana Pagdi Purple and Gobar Yellow

GEMINI

gemini

Your star sign is the Twins. This is indeed an interesting time because I foresee the sun crossing paths with the sun from an alternate dimension and you will end up exchanging lives with a parallel universe version of you. If he is an evil twin then you need to time travel to the 6th dimension and speak to a friend of mine called AHSYAIS (He’s related to Mr. MXYZPTLK) and he will sort you out. 

Lucky Colours: Twin Purple and Cheese Grey {Alternate dimension cheese is quite colourless}

CANCER

cancer

Avoid sex. You will get crabs.

Lucky Colours: Lobster Red and Tamagotchi Green

LEO

Leo

This is the year of fame and success. Being a lion means you will have all the courage you need to get what you want, unless you live in Oz; then you need to make sure you meet this cute chick called Dorothy who is crazy enough to travel on yellow brick roads. Also, being a lion has it’s own perks because you will be lucky with the women and seemingly ferocious in your work place, but whatever you do make sure you do not listen to this man called Mufasa. He has a dark side to him. 

Lucky Colours: Simba Stampede Brown and Sky Blue

VIRGO

virgo

Your star sign is the Virgin. Avoid any Cancer because one of them could be evil, and make sure you do not sleep with any of them…because you could get crabs.

Lucky Colours: Greek virgin white and Virgin Cosmopolitan Cranberry

LIBRA

libra

HAHAH BRA. 

Okay, I got a bit carried away. I spoke to the angels and they said this year will be bizarre for you. Things will happen that are out of your control and your love life will be like an Abbas Mustan movie, filled with twists and guest appearances by Bipasha Basu. However at the end of the year not only will you be super wealthy, but your watchman will come and give you ten rupees.

Lucky Colours: Abbas Mustan White and Mustan Abbas White

SCORPIO

scorpio

If your name is Mahindra then this year you will turn into a car. If not, then Bobby Deol will make a film in your name called Bichoo 2.

Lucky Colours: Kent Ro Purifier Blue and Duniya Haseeno ka Mela Black

SAGITTARIUS

saggitarius

Shit will happen.

Lucky colours: Nobody cares. Wear whatever

Happy 2016! WISH YOU ALL THE LUCK {unless you’re a Sagittarius}.